Its....Christmas

So my Christmas day is pretty much over, and it has been a very good one actually, even with the lack of presents (I did get 2 pairs of jeans which I reallllly needed, but thats all) It has been a very happy one, we have all got along so well and generally been very merry! It is so nice getting to spend some proper time with the family. My Brother and Sister decided to have this silly competition to see who could eat themselves sick first! No one won, but my sister (who is actually older than me!) is feeling pretty crappy now, Dad wasn't impressed with their glutenous sin, and it did get a bit silly! Christmas dinner was scrummy, much nicer than last year and its generally just been lots of laughter. So I am happy.

Tomorrow night I am off to France, It has come so quickly, I cannot wait to see my Boy, moreso than the other way round probably, but thats normal. I have to pack, and I have washing to do first. Tomorrow we always go to visit my Nan for Boxing day dinner so I will perhaps try and get some revsion done during the day, although I may have to cook a roast for lunch! I think I am going to have an early night actually, seen as I am feeling quite satisfied, I'd like it to stay that way.

Last but not least - Merry Christmas everyone! And just a thought for all those whose Christmas time isn't a happy one, for whatever reason.

(Oh and I have given away and even thrown away lots of the chocolate I was given which I don't think I have ever done at Christmas time before :) I had some of course, but I am not feeling bad about it so its okay.)

x~Olive~x

Bleugh

I am not haaving a good week, I am dreading seeing my boyfriend because I feel sooo fat and unatractive, I wish I could just not see him again until I feel good about myself. I reckon I'd feel better if I lost a stone, perfect if I lost one and a half. So Christmas isn't going to be about eating drinking and being merry for me if I want to feel better about myself.

Now I really hate to moan, this is not intended to be a place where I whine and come across as a miserable negative dull fool, but I am really feeling down in the dumps, winter blues, whatever you want to call it. I am unhappy with my weight, unhappy with my ambitions, unhappy with my performance in my degree, and would like a little bit of spare cash so I could go out and enjoy myself a little bit more once in a while (but the latter is just verrry minor,) I would be the happiest person if I could just sort out the first three.

Now technically, these can be sorted quite easily, but it is easier said than done. All each one takes is motivation and dedication, which is infact what anything takes in life so to say all that it takes is the stupidest thing ever. Gah, all I know is that I am not happy in myself right now and It needs sorting, I need to feel attractive and intelligent again, because thats how I have always felt and its no fun now thats gone. Infact it sucks massively. I know loosing weight will be hard. I know studying for these exams will be hard, but I think they will be good tackled together.

When I go back to uni routine is everything when it comes to eating habits and studying habits and i KNOW can make them work hand in hand. Getting up before 8.30 and eating a healthy breakfast. Taking myself to unversity with a piece of fruit for a snack and a sandwich, piece of fruit and yoghurt for lunch and another afternoon snack (health bar) (?) then coming home to a healthy dinner at about 6pm (I think grilled chicken breast and vegetables will become the new staple!) and I will do well in my exams and loose weight too! If I can motivate myself to walk up to uni, then that would be even better :)

Gosh I am feeling much more positive about it now I have a plan, but I wish I could start sooner, It is Christmas day tomorrow, and although I know I will be able to resist a lot of the unecessary fatty foods, I will still be having a bad day considering how unhappy I am with my weight, but I supppose its okay to start slowly in learning to say no and resist the temptations. As for studying, well that can start now, there aren't really any excuses for putting that off, I am going away to France in 2 days time which will mean that nothing is going to go off with a bang (i don't mean I am going to stuff my face and do no work) but I just need to keep focused about my aim for the end of January, to feel like I have succeeded in my exams and to feel more attractive as far as my weight is concerned, then I can start semester 2 very positively!

I also think I miss my boy more than I think I do, I haven't seen him in a week now which is a long time when you live together, back to normal soon though, I CANNOT wait to see him.

I just called him, and really I just wanted to cry, because I have been feeling so bad, he hates me getting upset for no reason though and he was watching a film, so hardly an appropriate time to start, I realllllly want a hug from him.

Disclaimer! - I am not really fat, as you might think when reading this, I have just put on quite a bit of weight over the past 2 years and have gone from a size 8/10 to a 12 and hate every minute of being this big. (i'm 5ft 7)

LOST

What am I gong to do with my life? I am super stressed right now. But really, I have no idea what I am going to do with my life, no plan and I have always had a plan, ever since I can remember. What should I do? :(

Family

So yesterday I went into town with Sarah and had lunch, it was really nice, we just caught up the whole time I suppose, but afterwards I realised I'm not feeling too good, I think I am coming down with something. I have had a bad head since yesterday, it is constantly achey, if not a full on migrane and all my muscles ache like I ran a good few miles yesterday. (I didn't obviously, I never run!)

I hope I get better rather than worse, which I usually do as I rarely get properly ill. Anyway, the whole France issue and whether my boy's sisters are coming or not is still up in the air, so who knows what is going to happen there. I miss him and am getting quite annoyed as he still hasn't gone home for christmas and I don't think he is going to. Anyway I am not going to talk about that now because it upsets and frustrates me, and I need to chill out if I don't want to get ill.

Speaking of chilling out, I had my first exam nightmare yesterday, exactly a month before my exams start! Ridiculous really, but I know it is my brain telling me I need to start to revise. I brought books with me so I will get started today, after I have been to specsavers to get my christmas present, 2 new pairs of glasses! :)

x~Olive~x

Going home

Yesterday my friend stayed over, she just came around and we watched movies, ate food, then went to bed at 1am ish. This morning we went and had weatherspoons full english before she went back. I got up early today and so am quite tired now. It was nice to chill out with a friend though.

The next few weeks are going to be busy. I am going to see my family for a few days, then just after Christmas I am going to France, with the Boy's Dad, little brother, and hopefully two sisters, (also his Nan and Aunty)so it should be interesting. We are going for a week so will be spending New Years there! I am not sure how I feel about it at the moment. I am a bit nervous I think...

I have a lot to do still tonight and tomorrow. I have to get my stuff together, make the place spotless so I have a clean place to come back to finish all my washing, call the insurance company tomorrow, call the water bill company tomorrow, sort out what course materials I am going to take, get some contact lenses, go to the bank...the list goes on. I will probably not leave til late because I realllly want a spotless flat.

Today I went and collected my marks for the other essay I finished the day I went to Paris. I basically wrote it in an hour then was really angry with myself for leaving it so late. I got 63 :)not only that but I got outstanding for my analysis, originality and critical thinking. I let myself down on easy things like bibliography and just when i missed out words stupidly in sentences because I didn't have time to proof read! She also said there is clear potential for me to get a much higher grade in the future! So I am not so much pleased, but more positive now. I am not pleased because it is clear that if I put more time into it I would have aced it, and I didn't so I am still letting myself down.....But it has given me that little bit of confidence I needed because I was starting to feel as though I was the stupidest person doing this degree.

My Boy also got an essay back, he also did his in a day but got 50% I think he is really dissapointed but isn't saying. He is so lazy but then say's he knows he will be okay because he is good at writing essays, but not many people can write a good essay in a day with no prior knowledge or research...he isn't one of them unfortunately and yes he writes amazing essays when he puts the time in but unfortunately he just isn't doing that, yet expecting miracles. Although in the light of me being pleased I sound like an arrogant twat because I did better it isn't like that. I love him soooooo much and all I want is for him to do well.

Seen as we are talking about him, I miss him already, he went to see his Dad for a few days on Friday and we haven't really spoken much since (only two days, I know) but I really do miss everything about him already. I love that man so much.

Rambling

I know I have been rambling on for the last few days about this essay, but i just had to post to say I finally finished it! Handed in and now I don't have anything left this semester except the dreaded exams. Plus I got an essay result back for my economics which I handed in the day I went to Paris and it as shockingly rushed. I think i wrote it in three ours in the morning before our deadline! I got a 2.i !!!! 62 to be precise, which I am ecstatic with considering the conditions under which it was written. Its dissapointing still beacuse I shouldn't keep leaving things until the last min and having to rush them though, because I can clearly still do better.

I am sooooo very tired now though, I want to go to economics in the morning, but I honestly dont think I will make it...Plus the boy is leaving me to go for Christmas, I won't be able to say bye :(

Christmas dinner yesterday we had 7 of our friends round (my man says ours, I think they are more his, (not that I dont like them!)) and the evening very good, everyone did their bit and we had loads of food, dessert and wine, had Christmas crackers and did Secret Santa, only problem was, my essay was still only half done, which means that I have been awake since 7am finish it off. I have no idea how good it is, honestly. It is an honest piece of work. Although I didn't spend as much time on it as I could have done, I still spent hours trawling through different articles and books and then came to my own conclusion, not that of someone else. Not to imply that it is 1st class work or anything, noooo way, I will be set for getting a 2.i I think, but maybe just scraping by.

It seems that I can go home for Christmas. I was worried I couldn't because I have ran out of money completely, but Dad is lending me some, so I will head there on Monday. I do have lots more I can ramble on about but I am so very tired, that I am just going to have to put the washing to dry adn climb into bed.

Not easy

This is the hardest essay I have ever written in my whole entire life. I feel like I have been working on it forever and still haven't got my head around where my focus is supposed to be! It will be my occupation for the remainder of the day, hopefully I can finish it by 4pm and then rush to get my secret santa gift. I only have 4 and a half hours and I need to eat lunch!

I think the boy still thinks I will have money from somewhere to buy food for this christmas meal, but I don't so he needs to realise that asap. I have told him so he can't complain! He wants to take his rent money but that would be insane of me to let him do that. I mean he will have charges coming out of his bank the second he gets paid. I know it. The rent is going no where.

x~Olive~x

Essay

My essay for AP is the main thing on my mind right now. I really want to finish it tonight so I can relax the next few days and tidy the flat, do some washing, watch some TV without feeling guilty. Just chill out really! I have however only got 700 words and it is a 3000 word essay so time is pressing on.

Yesterday I got all a bit emotional. I ate a lot again and realised how much weight I have put on in the last 2 years. I really want to get rid of at least some of it and change my eating habits because if I don't I really am going to become a fat person, and I don't know how people let it happen when it is so obvious so I am certainly not going to. I also feel really unnatractive in myself, which isn't nice, so it is something I am definately taking seriously from now on. Trust me to decide to loose weight 2 weeks before Christmas! But If I can do it now, at the hardest time of the year it shows that I can do it any time.

I truly know that I feel a lot better in myself eating 3 small meals a day and drinking lots of water than just eating constantly and having huge meals, I actually detest being full these days, being a little hungry is a much nicer feeling. Vegetables and fruit are also at the top of my must eat more of list. Infact, they are the only thing lol, but that is to be expected! I reckon I can do it. I feel so much better about myself when I am eating healthily, its just I have only managed it for a week or 2 maximum in the last 2 years! I am not focused on loosing a certain amount, just want to go down a dress size and like what I see in the mirror so I need to tone up too. I might take up X biking after christmas (2 times a week?)

I also got upset about me and my boy yesterday and started crying because I thought that after we both finish university, he will just want to go off and do his own thing and not be constrained by having a girlfriend. This really upset me, because as far as I am concerned we moved in together to show how serious we are about eachother and because we wanted to move our relationship forward. Not because it was good or fun at the time (it is, but there is a lot more to it than that). He is probably just more realistic than me and insited that he still wanted to be with me after university but we just have to see how it goes, which is true, no one can predict the future, I just really want it to work you know? Plus I need to remember the fact that he never said this, its just me worrying that that is what he will want!

We are supposed to be having a christmas dinner tomorrow at oursm with 7 people coming round I think, but everyone is doing some of the food preparation. I can't afford to get the bit we have been assigned though. I am too scared to look at my budget because I forgot about a book that I took out, need to buy some contact lenses and brough another new book that cost me £18. So basically the situation is dire. I might go to bristol tomorrow to take the dress I have back and go to the bank to scrape my savings, (which i have already budgeted away).

On a positive note, I am quite looking forward to going to France just after Christmas for the week of New Year, it should be different and I might see my Boys Dad in a different (better) light. Right, back to this essay!

Not quite as planned

So today isn't going so well, I am going for my walk after I have finished this, but I cannot be bothered to go shopping, and going for this walk is a massive effort! I was up earlyish and was working on my essay by quarter to ten, until about 12. 30, I have had a long unplanned break, and just argued with the boy about money, more the distinct lack of it, he seems to think I have an endless supply and is being rather ungrateful.

He is supposed to be coming back about 7 pm to cook dinner, I hope he comes earlier, I'll be starving by then.

The reading for my essay is getting ridiculous. I still have so much to get through even though I feel like I have been doing it forever, it can only better than doing all my research and writing in the 2 hours before the deadline though I suppose. I have set a target of getting 1000 words written by the end of today. I am still going to try to stick to it, even if i change my opinion after writing it because of something new I have read. At least I will be a third of the way there.

I need to go for my walk now, I am dying for some fresh air and want to be back before it is dark.

So I went for my walk and now I am just procrastinating. My Boy is back, but we are getting on each others nerves a bit today (in a silly, not serious way) and I just need to get on with this essay! It is getting harder and harder the more reading I do! I think I just need to start writing it and then it will get easier. I have only just got the book that my main quote (stated in my question) is taken from and it is a good 500 pages long! Obviously I need to be selective in my reading but it will still take a long time. I don't think I will be getting much sleep over the next few days, I really want it finished by Tuesday at the very latest. Plus I need to get good at essays, because my final year is literally just essays *cries*

x~Olive~x

Need to get out!

I haven't left the house in 2 days! How bad is that!? Yesterday I had a PJ day, for no real reason but it was nice, I didn't get up til about 1 because it was the day after the ball. The snow ball was really good, I went shopping and found me a dress which I fell in love with! it was £30 but I accidentally brought two because I couldn't decide at the time which one to have and now I have to go and take one back. Its okay though because I need to go to my bank in Bristol anyway.

The meal I went to was at a really nice resturant with my boyfriends friends from his sports club, they are all really nice, and one guy is very hot...not that I was noticing :D

So we ate, then headed to the Ball, and danced etc, then it seemed to end really early, I was a little bit more tipsy than I would have liked to have been but by no means really drunk so it was good, then yesterday, me and the Boy spent most of the afternoon cleaning the flat whilst listening to music :)

Today, I woke up late again. I really need to sort this out! I have managed to get in with some of my essay today though, I am getting a bit entangled in all my reading though, I still have a good 5 days but I know I am going to have to focus on it all weekend! I want it done before Wednesday, so when my Boy is stressing about all the work he has to do, he might realise how stupid it is and take a leaf out of my slightly more organised (but no way near enough so) book.

I could rant here about how this week I have realised I am realllly not taking my degree seriously enough, I got 58% in a group presentation that I really tried with because some people in my group just didn't put in the effort. If my grade can be affected like that and there is nothing I can do about it then I need to make sure that the thinks that are completely under my control I do brilliantly in. I still have this essay and 4 exams so I needn't get depressed about it all yet, but I have a lot to be getting on with over these holidays, definately more so than other people who have worked harder during the term. This degree is HARD and I want to come out with the best 2.i I can possibly get.

Its nearly 11pm now and I think I am just going to give up on this essay for the day and go to bed. I haven't written anything still and won't let myself go to bed tomorrow until I have written at least 1000 words that is decent and makes sense, (not just copy and paste to make myself feel like I have done more!) I am going to get up before 7 tomorrow, yes I know its the weekend, but i'll go for a walk really early and will hopefully feel ready to get down to this essay. I might also buy me a belgium chocolate tart that I have been craving alllll day! Nightt

x~Olive~x

Perfect Evening

So yesterday I managed to get the boyfriend to go down to homebase to get a saw so we could fit the tree in the base. I was soo eager to decorate it! he insisted on trying with a pen knife first saying 'shhh i can do it! I've seen it on Ray Meares!' and then proceeded to fail miserably. He loves Ray meares so it made my year, I couldn't stop laughing!

Anyway, so after a lenghty effort, we got it stable and he went off to uni (which I should also have done to be fair) and I commenced the decorating! It now looks amazing and to top of the erection of our christmas tree, I cooked the boyfriend a properly romantic dinner with candles and sparkling wine all next to the christmas tree lights. It was his favourite, pasta! with apple pie for desert, then I managed to get him to watch PS I Love you with me! (He didn't like it because it was too depressing) then we went to bed at about 12.15am. All in all a perfect evening :)

Now I have been ill for the last week, and still have a bad cough, cold and aches, but I need to clean the flat and get on with my essay today. I have also decided to try and convert the airing cupboard into somewhere i can study. Its sounds silly, but it is so warm with no distractions and the hum of the central heating keeps me focused. I wonder if it will work!

x~Olive~x

Christmas!

I brought my first ever real christmas tree today! It is standing in my living room as i speak, (or rather type!) It is huge, over nine feet to be precise. I went to look at them yesterday and the man who was selling them told me the ones standing up were £57 (about 7 foot?) and the taller 9-10ft were £75 so I though thats no going to happen really and went searching on homebases website where I found 9-10ft trees for £60.

I could have sworn when I looked earlier in the year they were a lot cheaper but I told the boyf that we had to get up early in the morning to go and get one, from homebase, I was undecided o which size. But as we were walking past the local seller I told him to go and look, which we did, and even though I was saying all along it was too expensive we ended up getting a 9ft for £70! I managed to get a discount because I told him about the one in Homebase, so only paid £10 more, and it is probably fresher....

BUT I have offficially spent a fortune. £70 on a tree and then i went to wilkinsons in Bristol to get lights and decorations and a stand for it (which it doesn't fit in and i am currently in the process of sawing off the end with a bread knife to try and get it to go in!) and that all came to £50....I don't think i will be able to eat for the next month, ooopps.

Anyway so I am having difficulty putting it in the stand myself so it might have to wait until tomorrow for it to be up properly, but I am going to keep trying! It will be nice for the boyfriend to come home too I think :) I don't want to leave and go to see my family for christmas now because my tree will be going to waste! I honestly think I am going to have to stay down here longer! Well, the upside will be I will get more studying done!

x~Olive~x

First Assessed Presentation

I had my first ever assesed presentation today and it went really well! It is worth 20% of the module International Organisations and I managed the group, arranging meetings, collating the work etc. We did the presentation in almost exactly 30 minutes which is spot on, and then we manage to lead a successful discussion for 20 minutes, we even got kicked out of the seminar room because it went on too long. At the end we were told that it was a very good presentation and we would receive feedback via e-mail this week. It has made me feel so much better because after the few weeks I have had I was starting to think that I wasn’t up for doing a degree, but now I can just get on with my American Politics Essay and getting my notes together.

Myself and the boyfriend have to go and sign our tenancy agreement for next year tomorrow, which I am feeling good about because we have been living together for 2 months now and it seems to be getting better! At first it was a bit stressful but now, I just know that I absolutely LOVE living with him.

I have had to stop doing French I think though; I am biting off more than I can chew because i have a hard time organising and motivating myself already. I did love it though; it’s a beautiful language and made a change from all things political! I haven’t really said anything about the Paris trip. It’s late now so I will post some pictures another time and say a little bit about it. It is an amazing city.

Apparently I might be going back to France in 3 and a half weeks time with the Boyfriends Dad, family and hopefully 2 sisters, but they have a difficult (if any exists at all ) relationship, so I’m not sure how they feel about it. Also means I won’t have as much time to revise at Christmas and won’t see my family as much.

I brought me and the boyfriend an advent calendar today as it is the 1st of December and sometime this week we will go and pick up our Christmas tree! I am so excited, but need to get lots of decorations first. I will let you know how decorating goes! It is so exciting because it is the first time I have decorated a place of my own and my first ever real Christmas tree.

I am not very well at the moment, so I think I am going to take myself off to bed (maybe with a hot chocolate, with whipped cream and marshmallows!) quite soon, I still have sleep to catch up on from Paris...