Essay

My essay for AP is the main thing on my mind right now. I really want to finish it tonight so I can relax the next few days and tidy the flat, do some washing, watch some TV without feeling guilty. Just chill out really! I have however only got 700 words and it is a 3000 word essay so time is pressing on.

Yesterday I got all a bit emotional. I ate a lot again and realised how much weight I have put on in the last 2 years. I really want to get rid of at least some of it and change my eating habits because if I don't I really am going to become a fat person, and I don't know how people let it happen when it is so obvious so I am certainly not going to. I also feel really unnatractive in myself, which isn't nice, so it is something I am definately taking seriously from now on. Trust me to decide to loose weight 2 weeks before Christmas! But If I can do it now, at the hardest time of the year it shows that I can do it any time.

I truly know that I feel a lot better in myself eating 3 small meals a day and drinking lots of water than just eating constantly and having huge meals, I actually detest being full these days, being a little hungry is a much nicer feeling. Vegetables and fruit are also at the top of my must eat more of list. Infact, they are the only thing lol, but that is to be expected! I reckon I can do it. I feel so much better about myself when I am eating healthily, its just I have only managed it for a week or 2 maximum in the last 2 years! I am not focused on loosing a certain amount, just want to go down a dress size and like what I see in the mirror so I need to tone up too. I might take up X biking after christmas (2 times a week?)

I also got upset about me and my boy yesterday and started crying because I thought that after we both finish university, he will just want to go off and do his own thing and not be constrained by having a girlfriend. This really upset me, because as far as I am concerned we moved in together to show how serious we are about eachother and because we wanted to move our relationship forward. Not because it was good or fun at the time (it is, but there is a lot more to it than that). He is probably just more realistic than me and insited that he still wanted to be with me after university but we just have to see how it goes, which is true, no one can predict the future, I just really want it to work you know? Plus I need to remember the fact that he never said this, its just me worrying that that is what he will want!

We are supposed to be having a christmas dinner tomorrow at oursm with 7 people coming round I think, but everyone is doing some of the food preparation. I can't afford to get the bit we have been assigned though. I am too scared to look at my budget because I forgot about a book that I took out, need to buy some contact lenses and brough another new book that cost me £18. So basically the situation is dire. I might go to bristol tomorrow to take the dress I have back and go to the bank to scrape my savings, (which i have already budgeted away).

On a positive note, I am quite looking forward to going to France just after Christmas for the week of New Year, it should be different and I might see my Boys Dad in a different (better) light. Right, back to this essay!